OK, forget lies about Iraq, forget lies about who outed Valerie Plame. And get ready for the laugh-out-loudest, uber-denial lie of all time. I mean, this one even beats an astronaut who drives for 12 hours wearing a diaper who never stops and says, "Hmm...maybe I oughta rethink this plan of mine."
The howler of the week is this lead from the AP:
"One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is "completely heterosexual."
"Completely heterosexual."
On behalf of all gay men across the world, I say, "Thank God! Because we didn't want this mental clusterfuck on our team." And if he says the sight of a naked woman starts a "resurrection in his little 'Jesus'", who am I to argue?
Also, I gotta figure that three weeks with these four would turn anyone off to men, or to sex with human beings.
No not really. I'm starting a pool for anyone who wants to guess the day that Teddy picks up his phone and calls 1-800-MANLOVE or some such thing.
My guess? He makes it a couple of weeks just fine, but then one night when he's having "completely heterosexual" sex with his wife, he'll close his eyes and imagine a muscular chest, and that will be the end of that.
I mean, come on, take a look at this guy, listen to him talk. He's not gay, no, he's nellier than icing on a wedding cake.
No counseling in the world is going to make this guy straight.
That sound we all hear? It's God laughing his ass off.
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